Roads of the mind
vere due to rubble.
Structured thoughts
from pebbles and rocks
of feelings
thrown haphasardly from
learnt behaviour
imagination
and fear.
Delusions
sneak up from
these rubbled roads
slithering into place
no smoke alarm
until...when?
At what point
is it delusion vs. reality?
choices made from
rubbled roads...
too many stones to turn...
pebbles from the past.
vering me
Altered states...
better than
any drug...
are delusions
I bit into the apple's flesh once
other times
almost overcome
by the siren's call.
I left the garden
and got some ashvault
This is a poem about what it is like for me to suffer from bipolar/schizoaffective when my illness is active. I am currently working on a project to uncover for me the stages of my illness as I go from my usual state of conscious into the mania or delusional state (what I call it). When ill my thoughts are scrambled and paranoid. It is popular theory that our thoughts often come from our emotions (psychological stuff) although I think most people are not aware of this in everyday life. When I feel bad I think bad. This kind of thinking can lead into severe depression and if the depression is bad enough into psychotic states where thinking is skewed and sometimes acted upon to the person's deteriment. Feelings are often the result of learnt behaviour but feelings cause the thoughts and reversely thoughts can change feelings over time as well as in cognitive behaviour therapy. The illness literally sneaks up on me although through my work I am trying very hard to pin point. I expect this will take several months as I reflect and think about my memories and feelings while in the mania. I am aware of the distortedness but often don't act in time because it feels very good mostly. This is being entirely free of illicite drugs btw or alcohol. It's how my brain works when a number of factors occur...stress and overwork being a big one for me. Once I completely bought into the distortions with very bad results but I guess it is a learning curve...no-one was hurt except my pride.
My cure is hospitalization..."the ashvault"...I usually get grounded after a couple of weeks of med changes in a strict and safe environment.
